newly married

I’m no marriage expert. In fact, I’ve been known to throw an adult temper tantrum in my few years of marriage. Believe me. It’s not a good look. At some point, I realized that no amount of nagging, temper tantrums, or begging (yes, I resorted to begging) was ever going to ‘make’ my husband do the things I wanted. You’re probably thinking, that’s a no-brainer. You can’t make anyone do anything. Well, call me a slow learner, but I finally figured it out. I realized that I have to be the one to make the change.

It’s like I talk about in Owning Your Marriage. It takes two to fight, but it only takes one to wage peace (or at least the cease-fire). Now, I’m sure you have some objections to this concept of being the one to make the change and waging peace in your marriage.

So, let’s talk about some of these objections.

Objection #1: I don’t want to be a doormat.

If this was just any guy, then yes – you’d be a doormat. If this was just a friend, you’d definitely be a doormat. This is your spouse, your life’s partner, your love. Granted, he may not feel like that right now, but that’s what you committed to when you married. If you can’t voluntarily be kind, generous, and loving to your spouse, will you do these things for anyone else?

Except in cases of abuse [Pause: If you’re in an abusive relationship, stop reading, get away, and get help].

Objection #2: Why do I have to change?

In healthy marriages with healthy issues, take the high road with your spouse. You may feel like you’re doing an abnormal amount of work, and you probably are. But it’s ok. You’re not just doing extra chores for the sake of it. Your intention for ~~making~~ being this change in yourself is to cultivate a more compassionate loving marriage. You’re not a doormat. You’re a loving partner attempting to build a bridge of understand and mutual respect with your spouse. Sometimes meeting half way doesn’t work, and you have to walk the whole way.

Objection #3: I’ve tried changing; It didn’t work.

This is not a one-time change. This is a forever change. You stop the nagging. If you’re passive-aggressive, you stop the passive aggressive digs at your spouse. Instead of blaming and accusing, you just notice and handle whatever needs handling. You find things that your spouse has done right and you genuinely say, thank you. You’re not just being a doormat as some women like to describe it.

You are rebuilding what has been broken through negative communications over the course of your relationship. A lot of the time, I’ve notice in my own marriage that I have nagged, accused, and blamed when it would have been just as easy to fix whatever was broken and continue through the day.

It takes years to break a marriage. It may take years to rebuild it. Take each moment at a time, and remember to be the change you wish to create in your marriage.

Objection #4: Why am I doing all the work?

You’re the one reading the article. You’re the one who cares enough to research things on the internet. I’m sure your spouse cares too, but women tend to be more interested in figuring out how to care for their marriage. Believe me when I tell you that when your spouse starts to notice the changes you’re making (and he will notice), you’ll start to see a change in him too. Marriage takes two.

At some point, either you or your spouse may check out maybe because of work, children, continued frustration or any other reason. That doesn’t give you carte blanche to simply ignore your spouse. In fact, it gives you all the more reason to pull him back into the marriage. Who knows? Maybe one day it’ll be your spouse pulling you back in.

Final Thoughts

I know for us, I totally checked out after the birth of our first little one. My husband tried to pull me back in, but everything he did in my eyes was wrong. The poor man couldn’t win. Then he checked out. Let me tell you. Being married and having both partners checked out, is no fun. So, I decided to be the one to make the change.

I started noticing all of the little things he does and saying, thank you. I realized that I’d rarely acknowledged his contributions. I started biting my tongue when I wanted to lash our or nag, because I realized low and behold, I’m not perfect. So, why should I demand a perfect husband? With time, my husband and I found our equilibrium again, and we started talking. Really talking.

One of the things we noticed was that marriage ebbs and flows, but it’s up to the marriage partners to keep it always coming back to the center–to its equilibrium. With each return to the center, we grow as individuals and our marriage grows stronger.

Do you agree? Do you wholeheartedly disagree? Talk to me in the comments below.

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One day I woke up to discover–rather surprisingly–that my honeymoon was over. Not that vacation we took after our wedding, but the bright aura of hope and wonder I experienced with my husband after our wedding. One day I just woke up to find it missing. For the first few days, I thought maybe we were just going through a rough patch, but things would get better. But no, this was it. This was marriage. The one marriage secret no one tells you is that you have to own your marriage before someone (or something) else does.

Own it

There are so many distractions that can take you or your spouse out of your marriage. You don’t want that. So, own your marriage before somebody (or the video games, the iPad, or the latest headline) does.

I know you know what I’m talking about it. If marriage were a perpetual state of honeysuckles and butterflies everyone would be and stay married. It’s not like that though.

Figure out what went whacky

I realized that this is marriage. It’s real. It’s not always lovey-dovey rainbows and butterflies. I finally understood that even though my marriage may have some rough patches, it’s mine. I own it. Regardless of what my husband does or does not do. I own my marriage. That means I take responsibility for what’s going well AND what’s not so hot.

Whether you’re going through a rough patch (or trying to bridge a big gaping hole), it’s easier to weather the storm when you acknowledge that you’re responsible for what’s happening or not happening

Yes, you’re partially responsible for all of the things that aren’t going right. No, I’m not talking about abusive situations. When someone is abused, they are not responsible for it. They need help. In a healthy marriage though, each spouse is responsible even when you want to scream from the rooftop that you’re an innocent, and it’s all your spouse’s fault.

It doesn’t matter who’s right (or wrong).

You can be right or you can be married. It’s a great quote and made a wonderful book title. It’s completely true though. Being right is wonderful but what’s the good of being right all by yourself. Because honestly, that’s where you end up when you’re more concerned with being right than being connected.

Take responsibility and own it… ALL of it.

Now, I’m not saying you’re to blame. Please hear me. This is not about right or wrong here. It’s about opening your arms and saying I am a part of this marriage. If something is not working, then I’m partly responsible. Instead of waiting for your spouse to take responsibility–which may or may not happen right now–you own all of it. Here’s the kicker; own it with love.

Own your marriage with love. That doesn’t mean piling on more resentment, and it certainly doesn’t mean making yourself a martyr or acting like a poor defenseless victim (yep, I’ve flipped your card).

I know you know marriage is rarely a 50-50 game.

Want to know a secret?

Marriage should NEVER be a 50-50 game. It should be a 100-100 game. I’m learning that both my husband and I need to own our marriage 100%.

When I look out for him 100 percent, and he looks out for me 100%, we’ve got our bases covered because we’re both owning ourselves and each other. I know I can count on him to have my back. Now, it doesn’t always look like that in our marriage. Sometimes he’s pulling 100 percent, and I’m pulling less. Sometimes I’m shouldering 100 percent, and he’s owning less. It’s never going to be perfect. The perfection is in the attempt. The struggle to own our marriage, the good, the bad, and the ugly is what keeps us connected and in the game.

Do you agree or do you think I’m out in left field? Let me know in the comments below what your marriage look like if you owned 100 percent of it with love.