Childbirth is a mind-blowing body and life-altering experience. These are the top 10 things I wish I’d known when I was pregnant. So for all of you pregnant mamas out there who are looking forward to having their first little babies, Congratulations! It’s such an exciting time, but there’s a lot of mystery to it. When I was pregnant for the first time, I knew that a lot of pregnant women weren’t telling me the whole story. That’s because many long-time mamas tend to hide the information you really want to know. So, in this article, I’m going to share 10 things I wish I’d known about childbirth and the first few days of parenting. It’s a doozy. So, here we go…
1. You don’t want to know everything.
Listen, you think you want to know everything. You think you want to be completely prepared for labor and delivery. You think you need to know everything to be ready. Not many people will tell you this, and you may hate me for saying it, but here it goes. You don’t want to know everything. Labor and delivery is not a conversation you have over brunch, lunch, dinner, or coffee. Not everyone’s labor and delivery is smooth sailing (see comment 2 for more details), and what your best girlfriend experienced may not be what you experience.
For all of those stories you hear about a woman sneezing or coughing and unconsciously pushing the baby out, there are about a gazillion women who will look at you (knowingly) and smile. If she’s nice, she’ll want to smack you but she’ll say, “That’s nice, it could happen that way.” If she’s not so nice… she’ll still want to smack you, and she’ll give you a point by point of her labor and delivery. Don’t meet this woman. Just believe me when I tell you it hurts… a lot… and there’s no need to know about it until you’re experiencing it. So, just enjoy being a happily ignorant preggers lady! Very soon you’ll have a little baby and believe it or not, you’ll look back on being pregnant without any nostalgia whatsoever because you’ll be busy loving your new little baby.
2. You need an advocate who knows everything.
The next time I have a baby, I want to do several things differently. Now, I’m totally a “baby in the hospital” kinda gal. While that may not be everyone’s cup of tea, that’s what I like. Next time though, I definitely want a doula or a midwife in the room with me to serve as my advocate to have the birth that I want.
Even if you’re totally committed to having your baby a certain way, when a doctor tells you your baby is in danger and you need to have a c-section, very few women are going to say, “but no, I don’t want to do it that way.” We’re trained to trust doctors, and that’s awesome. It keeps us safe, but sometimes there are other alternatives that are equally safe—just different from typical hospital procedures. For instance, your doctor may see a breech birth as an absolutely necessary c-section whereas an experienced midwife may be able to help you deliver a breech baby vaginally.
The next time I have a baby, I want to do several things differently. I’m still totally a “baby in the hospital” kinda gal. While that may not be everyone’s cup of tea, that’s what I like. Next time though, I definitely want a doula or a midwife in the room with me to serve as my advocate to have the birth that I want. Even if you’re totally committed to having your baby a certain way, when a doctor tells you your baby is in danger and you need to have a c-section, very few women are going to say, “but no, I don’t want to do it that way.”
We’re trained to trust doctors, and that’s awesome. It keeps us safe, but sometimes there are other alternatives that are equally safe–just different from typical hospital procedures. For instance, your doctor may see a breech birth as an absolutely necessary c-section whereas an experienced midwife may be able to help you deliver a breech baby vaginally. A doctor and midwife combination could be a great service to a first-time mom. I didn’t know these things when I was pregnant. I just believed whatever my doctor told me and while I’m grateful for my healthy little girl, I now know that the c-section I had could have quite possibly been avoided.
3. You need a 3rd wheel
Your spouse or partner, God bless them, will have even less of a clue than you do. No matter how committed your husband/partner is that the two of you do this delivery as a team (together), make sure he knows that you want your mom, sister, best girlfriend, and/or midwife in the room (possibly not all and definitely not all at once) with your nurse and doctor in the delivery room.
Hear me when I tell you, your spouse has no clue. He won’t understand what you’re going through. At some point, you may hate him. No matter how many classes you take, he’ll probably still not know what to do, and he’ll be stressed out because the woman he loves most in the world, is hurting and he can’t make it better for you. He may need to take a walk but not want to leave you and his unborn baby with strangers. Have that midwife, but also have a beloved female companion who can help you and help him through this process. So, call the 3rd wheel, and make sure they’re ready and willing to be there for the long-haul for both of you.
4. Sneak snacks
Once you get to the hospital, they won’t let you order food because most hospitals want you to have an empty stomach (or only clear liquids) on the off chance that they have to give you anesthesia. Even after you get to the hospital, you could spend hours in labor and delivery. And labor burns a bunch of calories. You’re going to need some food to replenish yourself. Sneak snacks into your overnight bag for yourself. You’ll thank me after a long haul without food.
5. You get to choose who’s in the room
As far as I’m concerned, this is a universal truth. You’re the one who’s moving the human being out of your body. So it only makes sense that you get to determine who gets to be in the room with you. When you make this decision, you can be as selfish as you want. If you don’t want your mother in law or your second cousin in the room, you don’t have to have her in the room. And guess what!? Your husband gets to tell her.
A great message is that “you’re welcome to stay in the waiting room until she gets moved to her private/semi-private room, but the labor and delivery room only allows a certain number of people, and she really needs {make a list of people} with her during this time. I’m sure you can understand.”
6. Communicate visiting before you go into labor
After you have this little wonderful bundle of love, you will fall in love. You’ll want to just revel in the love bubble of your new little family. You will love your baby, and you will love your husband/partner because through him you two were able to create this little precious baby.
It’s a wonderful time to just fall out of communication, turn off your phone, and log out of Facebook. Be very clear who you want to have in your bubble. A word of advice, you only want people who know how to help a new mother. This means you want someone who either knows how you want things done or who will ask you how you want things done. This includes your husband.
You will be exhausted, but you will still want to have some say as to how things are handled in your home. That means that close family may get to come visit—when you say it’s ok. Not everyone will be happy with this scenario, but you’re the one who had the baby so you’re the one who makes the rules. At least until you can move around and have the whole “feeding the baby thing” figured out.
7. You want a private room
It’s 2-4 nights. You have +/- 40 weeks. Save the money for it. Trust me when I tell you that you want a private room after delivery. Even though a nurse will come and wake you up every couple of hours, this is the best sleep you’ll get for the rest of your life at least a good 8 weeks. Take maximum advantage of it. In a private room, you can turn all of the lights out and sleep soundly, knowing your little baby is in good hands with the nurses between feedings—until a nurse comes in and wakes you for some seemingly unimportant reason. Splurge on the room.
8. Commit to how you plan to feed your baby.
If you want to breastfeed, commit to it and know that you will do whatever you can to fulfill that commitment. Do a breastfeeding class in advance of your baby’s birth. You can find a la leche league consultant near you here. If and when you have problems or questions, you want to have a relationship with a lactation consultant who can ideally come to your home to help you with common first-time mommy breastfeeding issues.
If you plan to formula feed, start researching and find the best formula for your baby and your family. Just as with breastfeeding, formula feeding can be a bit of trial and error. Not all formula fits all babies. So buy a little bit and take it to the hospital with you. If your baby doesn’t take to that formula, commit to finding a formula that works for your baby. You may have to try a couple. Never fear. It’s not the worse thing in the world and you’re not the first mama to have to experiment with formula to make sure your baby is getting the nutrition he/she needs.
Breastfeeding mamas, you need to buy some bottles. Breastfeeding is wonderful, and sometimes we have issues and have to supplement our breastfeeding with formula until our milk is coming in like we need it to. Again, this is not the end of the world. It’s a reality. And our job is not to judge but to make sure our babies are growing and developing properly in these first few weeks of life.
9. Be ready for marriage growth
When you got married, you had to accept that all of your partner–the great parts and the parts that you wish were a bit (or a lot) different. So, if your spouse leaves his socks all over the floor or stuffs dirty socks in his shoes, then you accept that it’s only going to get worse. You accept that it may not ever change.
Well, when you have a baby, you have to have the same mentality about your spouse. Your marriage will slingshot from being all about your relationship and the happiness between the two of you to being the foundation for the health and well-being of your child. It’s not that your relationship takes a back-burner, it’s just that you have a new relationship to nurture and this new relationship may test both of you individually AND as a couple. So, if one day shortly after bringing your new little baby home, you want to leave your spouse or you start asking yourself why you married this person…it’s normal.
Try not to blow your top. Start talking (not yelling). Open the doors of communication now. If you can talk about difficult things now, then you’ll be ahead of the curve when you’re beyond exhausted and completely out of your comfort zone as a new parent. Believe me. In the thick of new “parentdom,” it’ll be really difficult to keep your cool and communicate. Your marriage will grow just put at the back of your mind that growth may not always smooth sailing.
10. Trust your mama gut
Double messages and absolutes are par for the course as a mom. You must not co-sleep. Co-sleeping is best. Don’t wake a sleeping baby. You must always wake a sleeping baby if it’s time to eat. Bathe your baby every day. You should only bathe your baby once or twice a week. Don’t feed a newborn more than two ounces every feeding. Feed your baby as much as she wants. Cry it out. Don’t let them cry it out. It goes on and on, and on and on.
Even though you are a new mama, you must get in touch with your mama gut. Believe me. It’s there. When it comes to your kid, you’re a genius. You may find that co-sleeping works for your family. You may find that baby needs a bath every other day. Whatever your situation, don’t be afraid to trust your gut and do something different.
So, there you go. These are the 10 most important and mysterious things I wish I’d known during labor and delivery or just slightly afterward. This is an amazing time in your life. Enjoy yourself.
All you mamas out there. I’m sure I forgot something. What did I leave out? Add to the list in the comments below.
