Have you ever noticed that most people talk joyously about becoming moms but after they become mothers, all anyone talks about is how to survive motherhood?  Like marriage, we spend a whole helluva lot of time preparing.  We register and have parties.  We buy all. the. things, but nothing prepares you for what’s coming.  No amount of stuff can shine a light on the dark side of motherhood…

Welcome to the dark side…

It starts with the labor.  You’re literally pushing another human being out of your body, and yet everyone from your spouse to your doctor (including your own mom) is more concerned about the baby than you. Hell, you’re more concerned about the baby too and that’s weird. After all, this kid is warm, safe, eating organic whole foods, getting tons of water, and has been listening to classical music for the last 6 months, you know, since she could hear.

You, on the other hand, have been nauseous, vomiting, slow, moody, riddled with heartburn, and haven’t slept well for the last 30 some weeks. Now you’re gearing up to push a watermelon out of a dime, and you’re so confused about why you’re literally terrified for your baby NOT for yourself.  And that’s the easy part. Once you meet your beautiful new precious baby, you’re not prepared for what hits you next.

The responsibility…

Holding that beautiful child in your hands, you’re faced with the fact that you—YOU of all people—is responsible for this helpless sweet precious child. And at that moment, all the stuff in the world can’t teach us how to BE mothers.  With all of your flaws and hangups, sore and exhausted as you are after spending 40 weeks growing and carrying this little human in your body —then pushing her out—are responsible for her.

It’s in that moment that we really become mothers. From that moment on, everything becomes about this kid. And whether you breastfeed or bottle feed or you stay-at-home or go back to work, your life no longer revolves around you. Your life becomes a service to your child.

You sacrifice your body, your sleep, your ability to be on-call 24/7 at work. When you become a mom, your life gets hijacked. And I get that it’s probably in some way wrong to just put that out there because well, it doesn’t seem we’re supposed to talk about it.  It’s this secret dark side of motherhood. But here it goes…

Your life gets hijacked.

And I’m not complaining so much as I’m just being honest.  When you have to eat your Snickers bar in the bathroom and you just can’t for the life of you stop worrying. I can’t even hang out on Facebook anymore.

Then there’s the work dynamic. I’ve talked about the dichotomy of choice mothers have when it comes to working at length. What really gets me is how somehow no matter whether you choose to be a working mom or you choose to be a stay at home, you feel guilty.  And that whole mom guilt thing is dangerous.

When you become a mom, many times your priorities shift. You’re no longer the employee who can get the work at the crack of dawn and leave later in the evening or go out after work.  No matter how hard you work or how effective you are,  you’re no longer the ideal employee. You have other priorities, like being with your kid.

And there isn’t anything wrong with that, except when it comes to finding a job that gets it.

So, it must be said that I feel absolutely horrible actually admitting this, but it’s true (for me). On the one hand, I absolutely love being a mom. It’s a miracle and it’s amazing. And on the other hand, I miss MY life and I don’t understand why we have to choose between having an amazing life (which MUST include sleep, ladies) and being moms.

What about daddy?

This is the part that gets me. Whether you’re a single mom or you’re happily married to a wonderful man (or woman), most of us get to a point where we really resent our husbands (or partners), at least I did.

And I had to do some deep work that involved a lot of praying and patience mostly because the stuff I was experiencing (all the stuff above), my husband didn’t get.

He still had his job. He still got to use the bathroom with the door closed and without interruption, and he generally felt like he was making a difference outside of the four walls of our home.

Sure, I get that men and women worry about different stuff. My husband worried (and still does) about keeping his job and making sure he can provide for our family.  That’s his thing.

Granted, he also worries about me and I appreciate that, but he doesn’t seem to understand, how I’ve literally lost my own identity… And why would he? His experience of parenthood is different.

But you’re still you

Right. I personally think pregnancy, labor, and childbirth are a unique kind of trauma. My grandma used to say, “giving birth is the closest thing to death you ever experience in life.”

Morbid?

Hearing her say those things honestly used to annoy me because bless her heart, she’d always say it when I was heavily pregnant. But it’s true.  Having a human being grow, develop, and pass through your body (no matter how serene the pregnancy and the birth) into this world is traumatic, especially for the mom. Hopefully, our little babies have the experience mercifully wiped from their memories.

Then all of a sudden, you’re someone’s mom.  You’re entirely responsible for this little sweet person and you feel so much love for your baby that you can’t wrap your brain around how your heart could hold so much love for another human being. Then there’s the urge to protect her at all cost. Being a mom is the closest I’ll ever feel to a lioness.

So…how are you the same person?

Yes and no, but really no.  This experience of motherhood changes you and it takes YEARS to figure out who this new you is but again, no one talks about this dark side of motherhood.

We have names for it; there are drugs to help numb it but to actually talk about this shift that you’ve experienced, this transformation (for lack of a better word) is hard. There’s literally no place to have THAT discussion.

There’s no safe place where you can hold your utter joy and your complete confusion about how to now be this person’s mom AND still be the woman everything thinks you still are.

No one allows you to just be who you are—completely confused, extremely sleepy, and in love with a new little human.  You’re also sometimes just sad at the loss of who you used to be, but hopeful that you’ll figure it all out.

Then there’s the emotional exhaustion because it takes so. many. thoughts. to get through your day and you hold ALL. THE. THINGS. in your head ALL. THE. DAMN.TIME.  It’s no wonder you can’t remember where the car keys are or how long you left the milk on the counter.

Why do we have to pretend?

We have to pretend to be the same person we were—pre-kid—because no one expects us to be anyone else.  Hell, we don’t know we’re going to become someone new after we become moms.

It’s so unexpected. We spend most of our time trying to figure out how to go back to who we used to be instead of adjusting to who we are.

It would be so wonderful if someone, anyone, could help moms understand that motherhood changes us, forever.

We don’t have to pretend but sometimes it’s just easier to hold on to what used to be.

Maybe…

At the end, the dark side of motherhood is really only the vice gripe of our pre-kid years that we cling to and try unsuccessfully to recreate.  We don’t mourn the end of our pre-kid phase and celebrate the possibilities of each phase of our lives as moms. No, we bemoan motherhood and long for the freedom, flexibility, and opportunities of our pre-mom days.

And isn’t that just a disservice to ourselves?  Doesn’t that just ruin the present and keep us a little less than happy all the time?

Sure, moms need more career flexibility to hold careers while being amazing moms. But let’s be real, a lot of the angst we face as moms isn’t just a lack of flexible jobs.  The majority of our frustration is our own expectations of our new mom lives.

It’s pretty much a sick, depressing cycle set to exhaust, isolate, and depress moms (in that order), and we’re just adding fuel to the fire, moms.  Look, it’s time we talk about this.  Let’s shine a little light on the dark side of motherhood.  Are you with me?

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Having read the Very Hungry Caterpillar a gazillion times, I’d like to think that becoming a mom is kind of like becoming the ultimate butterfly.   It can be intimating creating, carrying, and nurturing another human being.  You literally become a different person—whether you want to or not.

So it only makes sense that we, as mothers, second, third, and sometimes fourth guess ourselves when it comes to making decisions for and about our children. But that’s not the only time we second-guess ourselves.

We second-guess ourselves when we try to take time for ourselves. To do things for ourselves. And we call it mom guilt because somehow this guilt bypasses daddies. It’s a cute non-threatening way to refer to a dangerous condition where moms’ postpone their joy (sometimes indefinitely)  Many of us feel we’re not allowed to be, do, or have certain dreams and aspirations—because we’re moms.

Motherhood (alone) should fill us with joy.

Don’t get me wrong, it does. I LOVE being a mom, but I’m not ‘just’ a mom.  I’m still that fiercely independent, strong, aspirational women I was before I became a mommy and a wife.

And that’s a good thing.

My personal drive to achieve and succeed makes me a better mom. It helps me instill those qualities into my daughter AND my son.

Anyone who makes moms feel wrong for wanting to be, do and have more out of life is no more than a bully.

So, it’s safe to say that think mom guilt is dangerous.  Here’s why.

1. Mom Guilt Is Based On False Comparisons.

Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram are not real life.   It takes work to get all of your little children to smile and face you at the same time. Perfect pictures are fake or they’re professional. And still, it takes hundreds of single shots to find the perfect picture.

Motherhood is not a single shot. It’s billions of shots each day.  Sure, there are some perfect moments but it’ll probably happen the one time you don’t have your phone.  As moms, most the moments in our lives are a bit looney toons. So, stop comparing your real life crazy to someone else’s fake perfection.

Feeling guilty about not being a perfect mom is insane. There are no perfect mothers. Correction: The only perfect mothers are the ones too old to remember the struggle.

Mom guilt is a real thing.  Don’t make it exponentially more stressful and potentially physically or psychologically dangerous by adding false comparisons into your space.

Keep your eyes on your lane and stay focus on your own path. Don’t worry about what others are doing.

2. Not everyone is cut out to be Betty Homemaker.

This almost goes back to the idea of false comparisons because not everyone was meant to be a stay-at-home-mom, a working mom, or Betty Homemaker for the rest of her life.

And that’s ok.

As women—as human beings—we go through transitions in our lives.  Some of us land on the Betty Homemaker square in this game called Life. Others of us skip Betty Homemaker all together and land on homeschooling, entrepreneurship, or working mom.

It’s all good.

I cook for my family but I know I’m not the BEST cook out there. While I used to try, I always felt a bit bad about my cooking abilities.  And I don’t know what happened but one day, I just let that go.  Better Homemaker and Pinterest Diva I will never be, but I do other things well. And my family seems to be doing just fine eating my subpar cooking.

I’m sure you do too.  Focus on that.

Be the best you can be and don’t worry about the rest.

3. Shhhh…Moms like to #2 in private too.

I hate to rude but moms know the privilege of being able to have a moment of privacy. Whether you need to use the facilities, brush your hair, find your chapstick, or just sit in silence, bathrooms may be the universal “mommy haven.”

You know, that place where you can hear your own thoughts for a moment?

It’s a magical place, the bathroom, if only for the few minutes until the little ones figure out where you are and start trying to pry their way into your quiet moment.

I’m being funny (well..attempting funny), but the truth is moms, wither working or staying at home, need time to themselves.

There’s no reason to feel guilty about wanting to go #2 in private. So, there’s definitely no reason to feel guilty for needing some space from your family to listen to your inner voice and to nurture your well-being so that you can better support your family.

4. Daycare is not a cop-out.

I had a dad (not my husband) recently ask me, “why do stay at home moms need to put their kids in daycare? They’re not working.”

While I probably could have been more diplomatic in my response to him, let me lay it out nicely for you.

Daycare is not a cop-out. Even stay at home moms need a chance to be more than live-in childcare. When women choose to be stay-at-home moms, they give up earning potential, a sense of identity separate from the family, and a TON of independence.

For a mom, putting kids in daycare is an opportunity to reclaim her identity and independence. Whether she chooses to return to work or she does something else to lift her spirits, that personal freedom is important to a mom

A precursor to school…

For kids, daycare is an important part of social development and a precursor to school.

So whether you’re dealing with a delusional misinformed man, an overly judgy mom-friend, or just your own expectations of yourself as a mother, just take a step back and know that daycare is not a cop-out. It can be good for both mommy and child.

In this case, mom guilt is dangerous because you may just need a consistent break. Robbing yourself of what you need can not only impact you physically and emotionally but it can also impact a child and your marriage. In many cases, when moms take care of ourselves, the goodness impacts our families as well.

5. The Kids Gotta Eat Something

I’ve confessed to not being a Better Homemaker or a Pinterest Diva (missed it? See #2), but my family still needs to eat.

Obsessing about your skills and feeling badly about your not-so-hot abilities is really only important if you want to improve…

If you’re like me and you’re totally fine with being able to make a reasonably healthy yet forgettable meal, then that’s OK.

You weren’t designed to be perfect at everything.  Focus your skills and attention on the things you either care to improve or already have an above average skill.

It’s not healthy to try to be the BEST at everything because you end up being mediocre at everything. What’s worse, you’ll feel even less than mediocre and that’s definitely not healthy.

So, just make sure your family eats.  I try to make my meals as nutritious and tasty as I can, but I leave the judgments alone. At the end of the day, full bellies are what matter.

6. Dads are parents too.

Mom guilt is dangerous because dads are parents too.  Not only are dads parents, but surprise! Dads are equally as responsible for the health and welfare of children as moms.

That means mom guilt is a weird socially constructed sad sack club that mommies have paid into.  Dads don’t have mom guilt.  Dads feel a responsibility to take care of themselves and provide for their families.

If that means daddy has to work late, so be it. It’s ultimately for his family’s benefit.  And on the weekend, if dad needs a round of golf to decompress from his busy week, that’s ok too.

And honestly, it IS ok to take care of yourself.  But that self-care needs to be equally distributed between men and women (without guilt).

For moms to bear the brunt of child raising robs dads of the opportunity to experience it.  And while dads may not WANT to bear all of the psychological and social responsibilities for their children, it’s important for wives to have that level of support; for daughters to see men man up and for sons to see the full scope of manhood.

Mom guilt is dangerous because it deprives women, men, daughters, and sons from the full spectrum of what it means to be a father and a man.

7. Mommy needs a life.

This should go without saying, but it’s not always so obvious to people who aren’t moms.  Choosing to become a parent (not just a mom) definitely changes your life. And when both parents feel supported, moms and dads can pursue pastimes in tandem with their family responsibilities.

Mom guilt is dangerous because it risks robbing mothers of creating new possibilities for themselves inside of their commitments to motherhood and family.

8. Guilt overshadows joy.

There’s so much to enjoy as mothers and even more to anticipate, mommy guilt is a thief of that joy.  It’s hard to be grateful and happy when you’re constantly fighting against the false expectations of the type of mother you should be.

The danger of mom guilt is that you risk missing out on so much joy. Sure, there will be times that are hard, negative, or just crappy, but there are also times of joy—moments you want to bottle up and save forever.  Even the risk of missing those moments isn’t worth the mom guilt.

9. Depression is sneaky and equal opportunity.

Falling into the mom guilt trap can be a precursor to a downward spiral of comparison, disappointment, and depression.

It’s not worth it.  There’s no guaranteed path to avoid depression, but why not cut yourself a break and avoid the mom guilt?  Maya Angelou said, “If you don’t like something, change it.  If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

This is one of those times, mom guilt will hurt you. It’s only a matter of time.  If you can’t change the mom guilt, change your attitude toward it.

Instead of looking at that guilt as a critique of who you are as a mother, why shift your perspective and see it for what it is—a false expectation of reality?   You could even choose to see your mom guilt as your vision of motherhood, something to strive for not beat yourself with mercilessly.

10. The time is too short to waste unhappily.

Childhood is a short ray of sunshine constantly on the move.  If you blink, you’ll miss it.  Mom guilt is so dangerous because you can get so involved in your own expectations of yourself that you forget to just enjoy the moments you have with your little ones.

It’s not always going to be perfect. Heck, it may NEVER be Pinterest Perfect, but it’ll be YOU perfect.

Mom guilt is dangerous.  It can rob us of the joy, delight, and complete accepetance of ourselves and our children for who they are and who WE are as their mothers.  Those are things I’m just not willing to jeporadize to look like I’ve got my life together for some random people on the internet.

Moms, stand with me and let’s just ditch the mom guilt. It’s not worth it.

What do you say?

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As moms, we juggle a ridiculous number of competing priorities, but being busy is not a badge of honor. Being a mom is the most complicated, time-consuming, stressful, all-encompassing brilliant passion of my life.  So, I get that moms are busy.  What I don’t understand is why, as moms, we’re so proud of how busy we are. Why do we celebrate being busy?

Let me come clean; I’m guilty of this just like everyone else.  I create to-do lists and intend to accomplish ALL. OF. THIS. STUFF. then I get myself all stressed out trying to get it all done. While I’m pulling my hair out trying to complete these projects, I’m secretly loving the stressful frenetic energy I’m generating.  I get all hot and bothered just thinking about what it feels like to have a bunch of stuff to do and it FEELS. SO. WONDERFUL. to knock out a bunch of tasks and check them off my to-do list.  But see, there’s something wrong with that.

It’s not right.

I’m a mom.  And for some reason, instead of working and being busy to support my family by spending time with my kids, cooking, cleaning, blogging, or taking freelance writing jobs, I started working for the thrill of being busy. I loved to see if I can get it all done. Crazy right?

Being busy became a competition with myself.

So one day I sat down with myself. And looking in the mirror, I asked myself, what is wrong with me? Why am I so obsessed with being busy?

It was only then I realized being busy allowed me to feel like I mattered. Like maybe I was achieving something meaningful.  Because I just didn’t feel good enough about myself, as a person, without that bag of busy I hauled all over the place. That bag of busy made me feel important. I mattered.

After all, I grew up with She-Ra: Princess of Power and Xena:  Warrior Princess. Women weren’t met to be just moms. I couldn’t be “just a mom.” I needed to have it all: a career, a great clean, organized house, a supportive husband. My kids needed to read before pre-school. My body needed to be tight and our family needed to eat clean wholesome foods.

Yikes.

That’s a lot of needs and a ton of pressure.

When I realized that being busy was just my way of proving to myself that I mattered, I just wept.

For the first time, I finally saw being busy for what it is.  It’s my ego trick. If I’m busy, then I must still be relevant. I must still matter.

It’s devastating.

And from what I can tell from my conversations with other moms, I’m not the only mom who’s made a life of being busy. I bet I’m also not the only mom who’s busyness is just her way of proving she’s OK; she’s enough.

Moms, I don’t know when we started minimizing the very act of pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing.  Because I do it.  Somehow, the act of being a mom is no longer significant. We push ourselves and compete against what we see other moms doing until we’re strung-out on to-do lists.  We don’t even realize we do it.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have a full life and admirable to be ambitious. And it’s wonderful to choose to climb the corporate later, cook whole foods for your family, or eliminate plastic from your home. You can do all of it or some of it if that’s your choice.

Do you thrive off to-do list?  Go to town and while you’re at it, take mine too.   But at the end of the day, make sure you’re choosing to do these things because you want to for your own happiness or to support your family—because you want to—not because you’re just trying to make yourself feel more important or prove to yourself, to other moms, or to anyone else that you’re significant.

You already are immensely significant.

Moms are some of the most important people in the world (sorry dads). Through us, life is created and nurtured.

Being busy doesn’t define who we are as moms.  What defines us is how often we choose to be just mom over being busy. It could be something as simple as closing your laptop and deferring being busy until after the kids go to bed or ordering pizza and spending quality time talking with your kids instead of futzing in the kitchen.  For me, it means putting my phone upside down and sliding it out of arm’s reach.

Moms, whatever you do, know that being busy does not make you a better mom or a more important woman. It just makes you busy.  Let’s stop celebrating being busy and start just being proud of the women (and mothers) we’ve become.

What’s one way you can stop celebrating being busy?

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Being a work at home mom is the most amazing blessing in my life, and I don’t know about you but it can be a bit chaotic.  As a work at home mom, I always feel exponentially busy while simultaneously feeling like a slacker. I never seem to have enough time. So when it comes to running my business, taking care of my family, and having fun with them, it feels a bit hopeless.  If chaotic, hopeless, and busy are NOT words that you’d use to describe being a work at home mom, read my 3 tips for work at home moms to make time for work and play.

3 Tips For Work At Home Moms To Make Time for Work And Play

No ever said it would be easy to be a work at home mom, but it doesn’t have to be so dang hard either. My 3 tips and tools for work at home moms to make time to at least feel a more productive and flexible start below.

1. Own Your Time

When people used to say stuff like this to me, I would literally roll my eyes. “What in the heck are they talking about?” I would think to myself.  Then one day something clicked and I got it.

When you own your time, you no longer say things like,

“ugh! I have to go to work” or “ugh, I need to make dinner.”

You start saying and thinking,

“Ok, it’s time to make go to work. I choose to do this because, [fill in your reason]” or “It’s time to make dinner, I choose to do this because I want my family to be healthy and to save money.”

It’s a small shift, but it makes a huge difference.  When you own your time, you don’t drag your feet. You don’t procrastinate because this is a choice you’ve made and not something being forced on you without your permission.

Now, I can tell my husband that I need 2-3 hours of work time over a weekend or I can plan out 20-25 minute work intervals throughout my day.  And when I’m not working, I know what we’re having for dinner (when I need to start cooking), and I can hang out with my kiddos and play off and on every day.  I no longer feel like a guilty work at home mom (most of the time).

Real Talk

Now, it’s worth noting that if you’re doing things in your life that you haven’t chosen, we need a little real talk.

If you’re doing something you’d rather not be doing, before you can change anything, you need to accept that even though you didn’t actively choose this thing, you chose it by default. It happened. You accepted it by not rejecting it.

The solution, own it.

So regardless of your life choices, own them.  You may not like them or want them, but own them. You created this situation in your life. Now, you can choose to start changing the situation but you’ve got to own your present situation and then make a choice to actively start choosing something else.

Tools for Work At Home Moms

One of my big issues is that I always want to blame something for my inaction.  It’s always something or someone else’s fault. If only the kids slept through the night or if only I had more energy, I’d go to the gym.  My favorite is, “if only I had more money…”

Before I started owning my own stuff, those were my go-to scapegoats.  Now that I’ve started owning my choices, I’ve started changing some stuff and making new choices.

My favorite tool is Trello.  It’s a free project management tool that I use for everything from planning my blog posts to meal planning.  I keep track of all of my to-dos, and I even jot down my daydreams in Trello. I’m a bit obsessed with Tello. I use it on my phone and on my laptop.  It’s really allowed me to take great ownership of my life.

Now, I can take breaks to hang out with my kids and take them places without feeling like I’m going get behind in my work.  I can work without feeling like I have a mountain of work to sort through. It’s been life-changing.

2. Remove Distraction

Ok, when you have little kids (or even big kids) distraction is a permanent member of your family.  So, you’re always going to have some form of distraction, but you can manage it.

For me, as a work at home mom, I can give my kids an activity for 20-25 minutes or put in a movie for the same amount of time.  I turn off the wifi on my phone and laptop, and I focus on one task at a time.

Focusing on one task at a time has been an amazing innovation in my life.  Like so many work at home moms, I spent years trying to multi-task. Multi-tasking is miserable.  It’s not helpful at all.  Before my one task policy, I would spend hours “working” but have absolutely nothing to show for the work; nothing was complete.

Now, I work on one task at a time.  It may take me all day to complete, but when it’s done, I can check something off my list of to-dos, and it’s a great feeling to know that I actually completed a task, no matter how small it is.

Tools For Work At Home Moms

My favorite focus tools are pretty simple. I keep a running list of indoor activities for my kids, and I choose one. This list of 10 indoor activities for preschoolers and toddlers is super easy.  Once I start working, I have a no internet policy, and I only answer my phone for my husband when working.  I have friends who use a few of the 10 Online Tools for Better Attention & Focus.

3. Wake Up Early

Not everyone is an early riser, and I get that. I’m not going to suggest you get up at 5 am (or earlier).  I’ve done this, it’s not fun.

I’ve found I get the same productivity results when I get up 30 minutes before my kids. That allows me to shower, dress, and prepare their breakfasts before they stir in the morning.

And once I get them dressed and settled into breakfast mode, I have a few minutes to get a little work done before we start our first activity for the day.

So, ideally, I was much more productive with my work when I woke up at 4:30 am. I could get a TON done before my kiddos woke up.  The problem was, I wasn’t a happy mama (or a happy wife for that matter).  So, I’ve abandoned this craziness (for now).

Tools

Waking up consistently before my kids is rough because my littlest little is up by 6am.  He likes mornings.  So, what I do is get up at 5:30….everyday.   To make sure my alarm goes off and I get up (without waking up my whole household),  I wear my Fitbit and I set a silent alarm.  At 5:30, my Fitbit vibrates on my arm gently waking ME up without disturbing my husband.  Win!

These 3 tips have helped me be a more organized mama and by being more organized I’m able to have more fun with my family and work more consistently.  Whoever says you can’t work and play as mom needs these 3 tips.  Being a work at home mom doesn’t have to be chaotic, busy, or hopeless. Next time you see a work at home mom who looks like she has it all.  You’ll know her secret. With these 3 tips and tools to help you tame the crazy, you can be one of those moms who “looks like” she has it all.  HA!

Dish! Share your secrets.  We know no one has it all completely figured out. So let’s help each other. What tools and tips do you use to keep your mom life together?

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