Being a digital nomad is AMAZING in concept and in practice. The thing is, whenever we step out of our comfort zone and try something new, we’re going to be a bit uncomfortable. That’s what happens when you step out of your comfort zone; you get uncomfortable. Part of the discomfort of being a digital nomad or an expat is that loneliness is real.

What is nomad loneliness?

Nomad loneliness is feeling purposeless.  It looks like waking up but having absolutely no incentive to get out of bed. It feels like not caring about your outward appearance because there’s no reason to care.

You could have work to do but no desire to do it.

It could be that you’re in a new exotic place and have a ton of sites to see but you’re alone and what fun it is to see the world and have no one to share it with you?

Maybe the cultural differences in the new country are so different from your own that you feel like an alien whenever you venture out.

Perhaps you’re in a country where begging is normal or poverty is rampant and your heart breaks every time you step out of the comfort of your expat bubble.

No matter how introverted you are, being a nomad or an expat, feeling alone can come in many forms and be caused by a multitude of reasons.

How do you handle digital nomad loneliness?

While there are numerous pharmaceuticals that will address this problem, I’m going to focus on non-pharmaceutical approaches. The methods that I share are things that I’ve done personally to address my own nomad loneliness issues. While I’m neither an expert nor a mental health professional, I have suffered from nomad depression and loneliness from time to time.   If these approaches don’t help your specific case, please contact a mental health professional to provide you with one-on-one support. There’s no shame in asking for help. We all need it sometime.

5 Way To Handle Digital Nomad Loneliness

1. Get Dressed.  Yes, take a shower and put on actual clothes.  And no, yoga pants don’t count. Do something cute to your hair. Put on a little fragrance. Make yourself feel and look attractive. At least a quarter of the of the battle to not feel blue is putting a little effort in your look.  You’re not getting dressed for other people. You’re taking the effort and time to make yourself feel good about yourself.  Do all of this for yourself (by yourself if you must) even if the only thing there is to do is visit a friend or go grab a coffee.

2. Make A Date. Once you’re dressed and feeling jazzed about how nice you look when you take off your yoga pants, make sure you’ve set a date to do something fun, even if it’s with yourself.  Maybe you’ll go to a new tourist site you haven’t seen. Maybe you’ll treat yourself to a lunch at the most popular expat spot.  You could even just plan to go grocery shopping.  The key here is to get your tush out of the house. Nothing good comes from becoming a hermit.

3. Find A Local Non-Profit.  Being a nomad is challenging for many reasons, but one of the hardest ones for me is seeing the extremes of wealth and poverty around the world. There are people who live on less than $1 a day in many places around the world. But it’s one thing to know logically that poverty exists, it’s another thing entirely to see sick babies at hospitals and parents with little to no way to pay for services.   It’s one thing to say that you want children to have access to basic services and it’s another thing entirely to be surrounded by 15 children (little kids) asking for money, asking for help.  And it’s really easy to just want to give everything you have and then go hibernate in your house until you can leave the country.  That’s the loneliness.

But hibernation (as tempting as it may sound), that’s not reality. Reality is getting out of bed and facing that poverty daily because if they have to live it you can at least see it. And because you see it you can do something about it.  You can find a local non-profit or a sponsor a family to help kids to attend school to make sure families have one meal a day. Once you find a place to give, donate and donate often. While your donations may not immediately fix the poverty outside your window, it may give a family the opportunity to send a child to school where she can be fed and receive an education. Her education may one day lift that whole family out of poverty.

4. Get A Job And Work With People.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re a nomad, a digital nomad, an expat, or a trailing spouse. When things get tough, for me, it’s always a good idea to look for a job. In my mind, a job is a project that challenges your mind and puts money in your pocket. Find one of those. It doesn’t have to pay buckets of money, and there are only three qualifications for a good nomad job: 1. It has to allow you to use your brain. 2. Talking to humans must be involved either in-person or virtually (over the phone or via video conference) everyday. 3. It needs to pay you enough money to incentivize you to do the job well. Finding a job that meets these qualifications shields you from the loneliness because it gives you another focus.

5. Make A True Friend.  In this life of constant moving, making friends can seem like a hassle. After all, can friendship really thrive within a few months’ time?  Turns out, yes, it can and it makes a huge difference. I’ve made life-long friends sometimes with individuals I’ve only been able to reach out and touch for as little as six months. Now, most have scattered the globe, but I know they’re there for me as I’m there for them. We keep in touch primarily using WhatsApp, but these 10 communication apps for digital nomads help us stay connected. When you’re suffering from loneliness, it’s important to have friends, both in-person and virtual.  Having people who care about you around you, matters.

Give Your Nomad-self Some Grace

Hey! Give yourself some grace. You’ve chosen to live a harder than normal life. While, the nomad/expat life looks glamorous, it’s hard work.  There’s no social safety net to catch you. Your family and friends aren’t anywhere nearby. So, you have to create friends and given the many challenges in THIS nomad life, some of those friends will become like family because they’ll be there for you when you need them.

If you’re feeling nomad loneliness, give yourself some grace and be compassionate with yourself. This stuff is hard.  I hope you’ll start working through some of my suggested methods to help you get out of the nomad loneliness funk. While things are hard now, I hope in a short while you’re able to get to the other side of this and look back and see how far you’ve come.

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Not many of us are great about anger. We’re definitely not taught steps to process anger. And while many people can and do cry when things are sad, how do you process anger without looking angry?

As a mom, when a kid has a temper tantrum —whether at home or in public— it’s human nature to gently distract them and help prevent the next meltdown. If you’re a mom who lets their kid just have at it in a full blown tantrum at Target, more power to you.  I’ve always been the tantrum prevention or tantrum interruption mom.

Kids can teach us a lot about emotions

Watching little kids have tantrums has taught me a few things about anger.  Kids have tantrums when they’re sad, frustrated, angry, or just plain trying to get something they want.  Think about it. Tantrums are this amazing physical demonstration of emotion.

There’s thrashing, biting, punching, and crying. I’ve even known moms to put those orange construction cones around their tantrum kid at the mall. (Look: I’ve seen it not done it).  Anyway, these are all ways small kids innately express their feelings.

As we age though, we learn all of the social norms, none of which allow us to physically or even sometimes verbally express emotions with anything more than a calm but firm (not too firm) retort. Anything more than that and we’re seen as impolite or rude….or gasps…angry. No one wants to be seen as angry. But…

Everyone gets angry and frustrated

No one ever really learns how to process anger and frustration—beyond going to kickboxing classes or going to the gym. Heaven forbid you don’t have the time or interest in kickboxing or the gym, there are very few options for adults to safely and responsibility feel their feelings and process them. We’re never taught how to do this. What generally happens is that we’re taught to believe our feelings are bad or wrong. We’re taught to suppress them, but that’s not OK.

Unprocessed anger can make us sick

A quote attributed to the The Buddha states “You will not be punished for your anger — you will be punished by your anger.”

Feelings that aren’t processed, that aren’t handled dealt with and released find a way to leak into all areas of our lives. These types of feelings are what make us lash out at a friend or family member for something seemingly small and inconsequential. Unprocessed emotion can make us gain weight, stop dreaming, or find ourselves in a stagnant state unwilling to take risks. However it manifest, unprocessed emotions can have truly negative effects on our lives.

Feelings aren’t wrong, but actions can be…

When we think about feelings (like anger and frustration) that are uncomfortable and generally not socially acceptable, it’s easy to think that a feeling can be bad or wrong, but it’s just not true. It’s not wrong to be angry or to feel frustration; it is wrong to punch the person who triggered your anger and frustration. In the same way, it’s not the feeling of anger or frustration, it’s the chip on your shoulder that you carry at work or at home and the actions that you choose that get labeled bad/wrong.

So, whether you’re a mom, an employee, or a traveler in a foreign country, it’s ok to feel anger and frustration, but it’s important to learn how to process your feelings intentionally and with maturity.  Here’s a few are 8 practical steps to process your anger and live a fuller life.

8 Practical Steps To Process Your Anger And Live A Fuller Life

1. Acknowledge the feeling

Anger is one of those things we either push down (and hope it disappears) or we lash out and say things we (sometimes) later regret.  Now, whether you push it down or you weaponize it against people, you’re not being responsible with your anger and you’re not acknowledging it for what it is …an emotion.   Emotions don’t require actions. You don’t need to squash your anger and you don’t need to lash out.  Acknowledging the anger is enough.  That looks like breathing through the emotion and just admitting (to yourself) that you’re p*ssed. You may not believe me, but sometimes just acknowledging your anger in the moment is enough.

2. Realize that timing is everything.

Acting out on your emotion—anger, sadness, frustration— isn’t always appropriate in the moment. Whether you’re dealing with a flight delay, a rude stranger, or a difficult parenting situation, a lot of times it’s just not appropriate to act out on the emotion.

But instead of pushing the emotion down and hoping it fades away, this is when you absolutely need to acknowledge it and let that emotion just be there — without acting on it— until you have an opportunity to intentionally handle the emotion.

3. Find the trigger.

Emotions just don’t materialize out of nothing. Know that something out in the world triggered your anger. Find it.  For instance, it used to be really hard for my dear husband to travel with me. I’d get kinda b*tchy until I realized why.

Turns out, flight delays trigger my anger because they makes me feel out of control and insignificant.  When I realized my trigger —not the flight delay but they feelings they produced— I started to understand how other things also triggered my anger/frustration.  So now when people hold up a line or when my kids don’t listen, I can feel recognize and acknowledge my own feelings.

You need to find the trigger. See, the thing is when you know what the trigger is, in the future you can recognize the trigger and know what emotion it will produce in you. Then you can choose who you BE and how you react in the moment.  You get to live intentionally not as a reaction to your feelings.

4. Choose your moment.

Not every moment is made better by your emotions. Choose your moments wisely.  When trying to reschedule your flight back to the US at midnight in Beijing, using broken Chinese, is not the best time for anger. While it’s totally ok to BE angry, it’s not OK to express anger. This is one of those moments where you breathe deeply, acknowledge your frustration and anger and force patience and calm to come out of your mouth.

5. Release your anger.

Finally! You probably feel like you’ve been holding onto your emotions for like EVER waiting to release them. Now is the time!

First, find a quiet place where you can be private. Preferably, find a room where you can close your door. In bind, though, a parked car will work or an empty bathroom. I know that sounds weird, but the idea is to find a private place where you can be alone.

Next, I have three go-to ways to deal with anger. Don’t judge me, but when I was becoming a coach at Accomplishment Coaching, these were the three exercises that resonated most with me.

Disclaimer: These are just ideas for helping people process normal amounts of anger and frustration on their own. This is does not and should not replace professional help that only a mental health practitioner can provide. 

Exercise #1. Slap It

Needed: Closed Door, Magazine/Legal Pad, Table, Blasting Music, Timer 

Here’s what you do:  Close the door. Blast some music. Set your timer for two minutes. Then take that magazine or legal pad (something at least 100 pages) and proceed to bang it on the nearest table, desk, dresser (something hard that won’t break) for the next two minutes.

No, I’m not nuts and neither are you.

But if you’re going to be intentional about your anger, this is like going to the gym. You’re going to look a little nuts. Think of it like an anger gym.

When you really slam that magazine onto that table and it makes that loud slap of a noice you’ll understand. It feels great. Just channel all of your anger. Think about all of the things that just pissed you off that day and release them with each slap of that magazine against the desk.

This is you being an adult. You’re in the privacy of your own space and you’re responsibly releasing your anger. You’re not yelling at anyone. You’re not lashing out physically or saying things you’ll regret or that could cause permanent harm.

Reps: When you first get started with an anger gym, commit to it for two weeks, once a day for 2 minutes a day.  Most of us have a lot of pent up emotions and two weeks of daily anger gym is enough to start moving some of those emotions through our bodies. After the first two weeks, use this exercise as needed to intentionally process and release your anger.

Exercise #2: Pillow Scream

Needed: Closed Door, Pillow, Blasting Music, Timer 

This exercise is even simpler than the last. Close your door, turn your music up loud, and set your time for two minutes. Then hold your pillow to your face and scream into it.

Yes. Scream into your pillow as loudly as you can for as long as you can. Stop. Catch your breath and repeat. Channel all of your anger and frustration into your scream. You’re using the pillow to muffle the scream so as not to frighten people within earshot.

It’s weird. I get it. We live in a world where being angry—screaming and banging things is weird— it’s just you, alone, in the privacy of your own space. Normal people don’t do things like that. Right? Well, normal people also hold onto anger, frustration, and sadness for years.  What harm does THAT do?

Reps: Do this for two weeks too. Two minutes a day for two weeks. After that, just repeat as needed.

Exercise #3 : Passenger Seat Thump 

Needed: Empty Parked Car and Car Keys 

Finally, this is the simplest exercise of them all. We’ve all been at work and had a colleague (or a boss) who said or did something totally unexpected and out of line.  After the shock, there’s usually frustration, anger, and maybe even some sadness. Not cool.

And honestly, it makes concentrating on the rest of the work day really hard.  I know I’ve had moments professionally (sometimes personally) where I imagine the perfect comeback; it’s a verbal lashing that I would not ever actually deliver but ooooh! it feels so good to imagine.

Well, after we revisit the concept of  choosing your moment and understanding the trigger, it’s important to release that anger. Being at work, Exercises 1&2 aren’t quite possible, since there’s no truly private place in the office.

So, take a break and go to your car. You can turn it on and blast some music or you can sit in silence. Sit in the driver’s seat or the passenger’s seat. Make a fist and punch the empty seat closest to you with the closest hand.

When sitting in the driver’s seat, it looks like you’re doing the thing when put your arm out to protect your passenger during an abrupt stop, except there’s no passenger, the car is not moving, and your punching the empty seat.

Reps: Honestly, this exercise always feels weird to me because cars have mirrors and generally parking lots have people. So, I may only do this one to three times, but that intentional act, alone, is enough to make me feel better and start the process of helping me release the emotion.

For more ideas on how to release your anger, check out this article on 7 Creative Ways To Express Hot Anger. 

6. Forgiveness Is YOUR Inside Job. 

Whatever your belief system, forgiveness is part of life. I’ll sit here and tell you that I’m still a work in progress around forgiveness, but I do know that it has nothing to do with the person I’m forgiving.

Forgiveness is each of our responsibilities because it allows us to move on with OUR lives and to release whatever energy you’re harboring toward another.

Once you’re able to process your anger, the next stop to living a fuller life is to forgive. Get all of the ick out of your system. You don’t have to forget the event, but you have to forgive it and stop identifying with the hurt.

Related: Forgiveness Is An Act Of Self Love

7. Prioritize Anger Release

Prioritizing anger release means to not only be intentional and responsible about how you handle your anger but also consistent. You can’t just start being intentional and then stop. When you start intentional about your emotions, specifically your anger, you can’t stop.

We’ve said this before, but it’s like going to the gym. If you stop going to the gym, you’re going to plump right back up. Going to the anger gym is the same thing. Releasing your anger is a lifelong exercise. You have to keep releasing it or you’ll just get heavy with built up anger, causing relationships to suffer and your mood to shift for the worse.  So, prioritize your emotional health just as you prioritize your physical health.

8. Set Powerful Boundaries for YOURself.

Of the 8 practical ways to process your anger and live a fuller life, this last one, number 8 may be the most important.  While learning tools to effectively release your anger is extraordinarily practical and useful, learning to set powerful boundaries for yourself is a skill that helps to protect you from situations that may trigger unhelpful emotions.

For instance, if waiting in lines causes you to lose your cool, set boundaries for yourself to limit the amount of lines you have to encounter.  That means, get to airports early. Sign up for programs that allow you to bypass lines, like Get Global Entry to avoid customs lines and if you can’t afford to upgrade to business class or first class, get to the airport early.  Use online services for the DMV and print your tickets at home for your next event.

Simple boundaries allow you to effectively manage your triggers and hopefully have a more peaceful experience of people and situations.

Recap

So, first and foremost know your triggers. Next learn how to either avoid them or manage them in such a way that you can acknowledge your feelings and appropriately manage your responses.  Then always release your anger and all emotions intentionally. The steps, individually, are helpful when dealing with emotion, practicing these 8 steps as a process can really shed new light and help us understand ourselves and our responses in healthy ways.

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